So. Tomorrow my book comes out.
I thought I’d be more nervous – I was last week – but sometime in the last couple days a strange fog has set in and I’m no longer sure how I feel. It’s not numbness, or denial. I feel a lot of things. Really strong things, that are maybe all neutralizing each other.
I’m absolutely overjoyed and scared to death that my book comes out tomorrow. I’m completely prepared and yet not prepared at all. The past years have all built up to this, and somehow I’m still not ready. I’m proud, but I know I’m not nearly as talented as others, and so I’m hesitant too. I’m tired of waiting, waiting, waiting. And somehow, though I never thought I’d think this, I’m sad that this part of the journey is over.
Here’s what I know above all these things: I’m beyond fortunate. I’m doing what I love, and the fear and the vulnerabilities all tell me that I’m on the right track. If I didn’t love this, I wouldn’t care. It wouldn’t be scary. It wouldn’t hurt sometimes. But it does, and that’s how I know it’s real.
I’m grateful to be where I am in my life. I’m grateful for my husband, who accepts me in First-draft Brain, when I accidentally hit his parked car in the driveway or throw away our Redbox movies, and in Revision Brain, when I’m 100% certain I can’t do anything right and that everyone hates me and is probably talking about me behind my back. I’m grateful for the friends I’ve made on this journey, for all the really cool bloggers and readers I’ve had the honor to meet over the past few months, and for my agent, who has made this dream a reality. I’m grateful for an amazing editor, and for a publisher that believes in my story.
I’m even grateful for tears cried and days without hope, because they led me here too.
Come to think of it, maybe I’m feeling exactly what I’m supposed to feel. Happy, sad, scared, and most of all, grateful.
Happy Article 5 Eve.