Open Auditions for Team Simmons

First of all, with the end of the world well on its way, I’ve begun holding open auditions for membership on Team Simmons. The lovely Proud Book Nerd is assisting me with recruitment efforts, but in order to broaden the search, I’ll be taking applications here as well.

It’s been scientifically proven (by someone, I’m sure) that surrounding oneself with the right individuals can make all the difference in finding food, shelter, and defending against zombie monkeys. And because I’m a planner, I’m putting together my dream team – a task force of individuals with special skills which will be critical to my survival.

Now, you may be asking yourself, why should I join with Kristen? Why not strike out on my own? The answer is simple: if you’re not with us, you’re against us (Hey, it’s brutal out there in Post-Apocalyptia). And with the team I’m putting together, you WANT to be on my side. Trust me.

If you have any of the following skills, please submit your qualifications in the comment section below. (If you have any additional skills not listed, you may still be considered. Please be sure to state your case.)

  1. SCOUT. I need a fast runner who can forge ahead, climb trees, scale cliffs, etc. and warn us of danger. Excellent vision required. Night vision preferred.
  2. FIELD MEDIC. Someone with strong emergency medical skills – CPR, extraction of bullets, rabies treatment (for the zombie bites). Can bind twisted ankles or deliver babies depending on the situation.
  3. APOTHECARY. Skilled in making holistic remedies from plants still able to grow in Post-Apocalyptia.
  4. WEAPONS EXPERT. Knowledge of all firearms both in existence and to be created in the future. Not sure how candidates will get this information. Good luck. Knife experts, archers, and fencers are also encouraged to apply.
  5. HUNTER/FISHER. Someone who can rustle us up some grub. Also, clean it. Because no way I’m skinning anything.
  6. TAILOR. Applicants can sew clothing, blankets, and may be responsible for designing the new fashion wave of the future.
  7. ASSASSIN. Someone who can take out our zombie opponents, no questions asked. Military experience preferred. Gaming experience considered.
  8. COOK. Can feed large groups if necessary. Please submit a list of possible entrees we can expect.
  9. CARPENTER. Can build us a house. Or a boat. Or snowshoes. Or anything we need really. Please include things you have built in the past in your application.
  10. ARTIST/MUSICIAN. To keep the culture alive. Also, to entertain me. Those with tap-dancing skills given preference.

Thank you for your interest. All applicants will be considered. If you have been chosen, you will be contacted immediately after the fall of the known world. Wait for the sign…

PS. I’ll miss you next week! Here’s where I’ll be, I hope you’ll be there too!

Burlington, KY
Monday, March 05, 2012, 3:30PM
Boone County Public Library
1786 Burlington Pike
Burlington, KY 41005
Crestview Hills, KY
Monday, March 05, 2012, 7:00 PM
Joseph-Beth Booksellers
2785 Dixie Hwy
Crestview Hills, KY 41017
Lexington, KY
Tuesday, March 06, 2012, 7:00 PM
Joseph-Beth Booksellers
161 Lexington Green Circle #B1
Lexington, KY 40503
Knoxville, TN
Wednesday, March 07, 2012, 6:00 PM
Union Ave Books
517 Union Avenue
Knoxville, TN 37902
Louisville, KY
Thursday, March 08, 2012, 7:00 PM
Charmichael’s Books
2720 Frankfort Avenue
Louisville, KY 40206

26 Responses to Open Auditions for Team Simmons

  1. Stephanie Ret-Georges says:

    Ummm i’ll apply for both cook and Assassin….What can i say i’m multi tasking.
    Also i’m half french and half Italian….So for the food you CANNOT go wrong. :D

    • Kristen says:

      I have to say, I have some concerns about combining both cook and assassin… I wonder if you will try to overthrow my reign by poisoning my food? Otherwise, the French/Italian mixture sounds absolutely delightful.

  2. MC says:

    Artist/Musician, definitely! I’m always on the creative side and I love writing stories, songs, and poems, and my family is full of a bunch of artists and I hope that I’m not bad of an artist myself (trying to be modest here, help me..). :)

  3. Kaye M. says:

    Apothecary. I have experience with herbal medicine (and if I don’t know how to use the plants left behind, winging it has always been the key to a new invention, right?). Also, I can make a mean sumac pink lemonade for our “yay, we’ve survived the apocalypse” toast night.

    • Kristen says:

      Thank you for your application, Kaye. I have to admit, your foresight in planning the survival toast has moved you to the top of the list. Well done.

  4. Lori says:

    I could be the artist. I have a BA in Art and am a pretty good painter and photographer. Or I’d do pretty good as a cook. I love Southern dishes (gotta love KY roots and our great cooking!) See ya in Lexington next week :)

  5. Dez says:

    I could be a Field Medic. Work as a Medical Assistant and good CPR/First-aid skills. Assassin ’cause who doens’t like to shoot zombies? And last of all I can aid as an Artist becuase entertaining others is my hobby :)

    • Kristen says:

      That’s a good question Dez. Who doesn’t like to shoot zombies? Thank you for your application – first-aid training moves you to the front of the pack. I’m fairly clumsy, you see.

  6. Grace S. says:


    I am a book blogger, writer, reader, artist, and dancer. I do tap dance, but I can also do hip hop (cool freezes and SYTYCD worthy breakdancing included), tap dancing (want to know how many pirouettes? a lot), contemporary, leaps and turns, lyrical/jazz, and dancing around crazily. I also live in Tampa (and by the way, if I had known you were having a launch party, I would have gone to Inkwood!) and that means that I could be by your side entertaining you 24/7. I also have a twin, so double the entertainment!


    Military family. One in Marines, one three-star-admiral in the Navy, one in the Air Force, and several in the Army. Several retired and a long history of military. Growing up with a brother obsessed with world domination up until he was 11 has made me fast on my feet and my flexibility allows me to fold myself into suitcases and small spaces to take out the opponent. And gaming experience. PAINTBALLING CHAMP!


    RAINBOW CUPCAKES! Need I say more?

    Again, I live in TAMPA so I can be on hand all the time to be your little minion.


    • Kristen says:

      Rainbow cupcakes? You’re in.
      Be prepared for other work though – I’m in desperate need of someone who can fold themselves into a suitcase and then jump out and break dance. This falls right in line with my Trojan Horse strategy for defeating the zombies.

      (Hope to see you at Inkwood some time!)

  7. Crystal says:

    First of all, I LOVED Article 5. Second, I hope it’s not too late to apply. Because I’m a jack of all trades, and have multiple opportunities available to me: Scout (I’m a fast runner with good endurance and I’m tiny– smaller than Ember), Field Medic (I know CPR, bleeding treatment, shock treatment, and can bind wounds and sprains), weapons expert (I used to fence and take taekwondo, and am fairly proficient with bows and arrows and I have good aim), artist/musician (I dance–ballet, tap, jazz, contemporary, lyrical, and I play flute and piano (a little guitar), and I do graphic arts and photography).

    • Kristen says:

      So glad you loved A5! No, it’s not too late – auditions don’t close until the end of the Mayan calendar. I’m extremely interested in a tiny person who is proficient in bleeding and shock treatments, fencing, and tap dancing. You’re in. Wait for the sign…

  8. Lori says:

    Is it ok to apply for more than one thing? (I already did for Artist, but it looks like you may get lots of those!) I could also be an animal trainer/tech (my nephew already volunteered to be your horse trainer…he may be little, but has no fear of horses!) I figured, every band of post-apocalyptic hopefuls will need animals, for food, milk, etc. I can care for just about any kind of livestock: cows, sheep, goats, you name it. And train dogs, horses, etc. for work. Life on a farm has given me many years of training on caring and raising various animals, of all shapes and sizes. No civilization can live without farms.

    • Kristen says:

      Agreed – we need farms and farmers alike! This is good news, good news indeed. I hope you can sheep sheer as well, I’d like a nice sweater.

      Good meeting you two in Lexington!

      • Lori says:

        It was awesome to meet you as well :-) I’ll definitely need to learn to sheer a sheep (I’ve watched it being done before). We’ll all definitely need some warm, fuzzy sweaters in the winter!

  9. matthew schmeing says:

    I will aply for Assassin or Weapons Expert either or doesnt matter as long as i kill every last zombie haha. and im reading article 5 right now and i love the book already.

  10. Nikki says:


    I can hold my own in my knowledge of weapons…for a girl at least :). As for future weapons, I’ve always wondered what would happen if you could combine a grenade launcher and an uzi gun… we might be on to something!

    For an assassian, well, lets just state that my dream jobs are either to join the military or join the CIA and become a kick-a** field agent. Big explosions make me happy :D

    • Kristen says:

      A grenade launcher and an uzi gun? I like the way you think Nikki. Thank you for your application, I think you’ll do well.

  11. Suzanne says:

    Hi Kristen,
    I just turned 54 and i am so looking forward to the end of the world! I would like to apply for gardener and herbalist. I have been studying herbs for a long time. And i do collect flower seed and veggie seed for planting the next year. I want to learn how to spin wool and other fibers, i can crochet, but i will have to learn how to knit. So if you have sheep farms….i would be glad to die the wool and use the flowers i will grow from seed i save. And then i would make things to keep you warm. I also cook for armies….i seem to have a house full of people and teenaged boys (who eat like three men each), so i could literally feed an army no problem. I know how to cook wild game and domestic animals. I can make down home stuff and specialty stuff too. I love feeding folks.
    I have been collecting survival books, first aid books and foraging books, willing to share. I also have a library full of books in my house. Article 5 is proudly set on my shelf with the other dystopian books i have maniacally collected.
    I can shoot a gun pretty good too. So, i too am a jack of many trades and probably not a master of any of them lol. So i will be looking forward to being there at the end of the world with you and the rest!

    PS: I also have attended Zombie Killing University with my daughter Hannah. I have learned how to deal with Zombies correctly. Just thought i would let you know. Peace!

    • Kristen says:

      Hi Suzanne!
      I’m so glad to hear you enjoyed the book, and with this resume, I can assertively say you will be accepted! Congratulations!
      Now…I am dying (haha) to hear more about Zombie Killing University…
      Thanks for commenting!

  12. DAVID says:

    Hey Kristen,I know it’s a little late for this comment, but I want to apply for the sweet talker position. In case that ‘pretty zombie’ attacks us (lol). I will be able to get us out of any situation that might occur on our voyage. I’m such a good speaker, that I have probably convinced you that I should join you team.

    Till the death

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