Medical Record: ARTICLE 5


I realized that I haven’t been talking much about my writing, so I thought I’d offer an update of what’s going on with ARTICLE 5. Only, I’m a little busy right now, so here’s a peek at A5’s medical records. Don’t tell HIPAA.


Patient Name: ARTICLE 5

Treating Provider: Kristen Simmons

Medical History:

            Article 5 presents today with multiple complaints including fatigue, isolation, and delusional beliefs of being “locked in a laptop.” After a full explanation of the risks, A5 agreed to the following treatment recommendation: Publication. Below outlines the following procedures executed in order to assist A5 in reaching optimal performance.

Revisions: Several rounds of exploratory surgery performed. Agents and editorial team consulted throughout. Structural damage repaired, but unfortunately 60,000 words had to be amputated. After initial resistance to treatment plan, A5 has recovered well, and appears to be stronger than baseline. Surgeon, however, may be emotionally traumatized. Symptoms include catatonia, disorientation, carbohydrate binging, and hitting her husband’s parked car.

Line edits: A5 returns for follow-up treatment. Consultation team has voiced concerns about character inconsistencies and inability to describe surrounding environments. It seems as though A5 has also had difficulties transitioning from one discussion topic to the next and orienting events to date and time. Therapy has proven effective in reducing these symptoms.

Copy edits: A5 returns again with glitches in speech and language. A new consultation team has been formed to assist A5 in reducing lingering discomfort associated with inverted adverbitis, word-swapping, preposition misplacement, and the run-on-sentences. A5 appears particularly resistant to accept a diagnosis of Grammar Deficiency, but has again responded well to treatment.

Marketing/Art: Due to astounding progress, A5 has been recommended for cosmetic surgery. In addition to a new cover wardrobe, all A5’s text has been exfoliated and polished. A5 returns to clinic with chapter headings and page numbers, and has expressed sincere gratitude in a written letter of acknowledgements.

First Page Pass: A5 is nearly ready for discharge from care, however is reviewed one final time for any outstanding symptoms. Several minor adjustments must be made to assist A5 in transitioning to his new text format. Even through the above treatments, it seems A5 has a propensity for misspelling words. All in all, A5’s progress has been substantial, and the treatment team has recommended discharge.

Follow-up Appointment: A5 appears in clinic today to share the good news that progress towards publication is going well. In fact, the pregnancy rumors are true – A5 is having ARC’s! Advance Reader Copies are expected on August 1st, 2011. A5 also hinted that February 14th, 2012 will launch his worldwide debut. The patient has completely eradicated delusions of being “locked in a laptop.”

Follow-up Appointment 2: A5 has brought a sibling into clinic. Sibling suffers from many of the same symptoms originally seen in A5 – confusion, stress, loquacity, as well as similar delusions of being “trapped behind a monitor.” A5’s sibling does not even remember her name, and will thus be referred to as “ARTICLE 6.” Treatment has already begun – the consultation team is currently completing a full editorial assessment.

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