Open Auditions for Team Simmons

First of all, with the end of the world well on its way, I’ve begun holding open auditions for membership on Team Simmons. The lovely Proud Book Nerd is assisting me with recruitment efforts, but in order to broaden the search, I’ll be taking applications here as well.

It’s been scientifically proven (by someone, I’m sure) that surrounding oneself with the right individuals can make all the difference in finding food, shelter, and defending against zombie monkeys. And because I’m a planner, I’m putting together my dream team – a task force of individuals with special skills which will be critical to my survival.

Now, you may be asking yourself, why should I join with Kristen? Why not strike out on my own? The answer is simple: if you’re not with us, you’re against us (Hey, it’s brutal out there in Post-Apocalyptia). And with the team I’m putting together, you WANT to be on my side. Trust me.

If you have any of the following skills, please submit your qualifications in the comment section below. (If you have any additional skills not listed, you may still be considered. Please be sure to state your case.)

  1. SCOUT. I need a fast runner who can forge ahead, climb trees, scale cliffs, etc. and warn us of danger. Excellent vision required. Night vision preferred.
  2. FIELD MEDIC. Someone with strong emergency medical skills – CPR, extraction of bullets, rabies treatment (for the zombie bites). Can bind twisted ankles or deliver babies depending on the situation.
  3. APOTHECARY. Skilled in making holistic remedies from plants still able to grow in Post-Apocalyptia.
  4. WEAPONS EXPERT. Knowledge of all firearms both in existence and to be created in the future. Not sure how candidates will get this information. Good luck. Knife experts, archers, and fencers are also encouraged to apply.
  5. HUNTER/FISHER. Someone who can rustle us up some grub. Also, clean it. Because no way I’m skinning anything.
  6. TAILOR. Applicants can sew clothing, blankets, and may be responsible for designing the new fashion wave of the future.
  7. ASSASSIN. Someone who can take out our zombie opponents, no questions asked. Military experience preferred. Gaming experience considered.
  8. COOK. Can feed large groups if necessary. Please submit a list of possible entrees we can expect.
  9. CARPENTER. Can build us a house. Or a boat. Or snowshoes. Or anything we need really. Please include things you have built in the past in your application.
  10. ARTIST/MUSICIAN. To keep the culture alive. Also, to entertain me. Those with tap-dancing skills given preference.

Thank you for your interest. All applicants will be considered. If you have been chosen, you will be contacted immediately after the fall of the known world. Wait for the sign…

PS. I’ll miss you next week! Here’s where I’ll be, I hope you’ll be there too!

Burlington, KY
Monday, March 05, 2012, 3:30PM
Boone County Public Library
1786 Burlington Pike
Burlington, KY 41005
Crestview Hills, KY
Monday, March 05, 2012, 7:00 PM
Joseph-Beth Booksellers
2785 Dixie Hwy
Crestview Hills, KY 41017
Lexington, KY
Tuesday, March 06, 2012, 7:00 PM
Joseph-Beth Booksellers
161 Lexington Green Circle #B1
Lexington, KY 40503
Knoxville, TN
Wednesday, March 07, 2012, 6:00 PM
Union Ave Books
517 Union Avenue
Knoxville, TN 37902
Louisville, KY
Thursday, March 08, 2012, 7:00 PM
Charmichael’s Books
2720 Frankfort Avenue
Louisville, KY 40206

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