There’s snakes out there this big?

When it’s raining, and you’re brain fried with edits, sometimes the only thing left to do is plant yourself in front of the television for some thrilling Saturday afternoon cinema.

So you can guess how excited I was to see the best movie ever playing on TBS.

That’s right. If you haven’t seen it, I recommend you drop everything and attend to this right away. Anaconda is possibly the best action/thriller/snake movie of this or any generation (no discredit of course to Snakes on a Plane which details one of the most concerning, legitimately possible predicaments that I can imagine).  It’s about a film crew (including J-Lo, Ice Cube, and Owen Wilson) attempting to document a mysterious tribe in the Amazon.  Apart from not being successful in their ultimate goal, things seem to be going pretty ok until, well, the snakes show up.

Let me now take the following moments to revive the awesomeness with my top ten  Anaconda moments:

  1. Danny (Ice Cube):  “There’s snakes out there this big?”  Best. Line. Ever.
  2. John Voight is forced to provide an immediate tracheotomy using a dirty ink pen that just happened to be lying on the deck of the boat when Dr. Cale goes into anaphylactic shock as the result of swallowing an underwater wasp.
  3. Gary (Owen Wilson):  “Is it just me, or does the jungle make you really, really horny?”
  4. Fishing for an anaconda somewhere around 100 feet long with a sturdy line and pole, and the corpse of one unfortunate little monkey.
  5. British film narrator, forced to wade into the river states:  “The last time I was in water like this I had to stay up all night picking leeches off my scrotum.”
  6. J-Lo seduces John Voight in a last ditch effort to regain control of the boat (Proving that she’s still Jenny from the block).
  7. Killer Snake breaks through the wall, headfirst, and then stares down prey with evil, beady little eyes.
  8. Ice Cube takes a rifle, explosives, and an axe to the mother of all snakes, but he is no match for her evil prowess.
  9. Giant anaconda catches humans in the air and twists them into her death hold before they ever touch the ground.
  10. John Voight is swallowed whole, regurgitated at J-Lo’s feet, and winks.

(quotes can be found at

PS. Next week it’s off to Chicago for the International Reading Association Conference where there will be all sorts of delightful happenings! See you soon!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *